Keeping afloat in a sea of Preservatives

Soy Lecithin. OK, so when I discovered this was soy bean crushed with egg I cried, and thought, oh no, how many things do I have to eliminate from Ryder s diet now? Well, lets fast forward to the end of that week, where I also discovered the airborne reaction he had to,what I thought was, Green Lentils.

You know the ones I'm talking about- those tiny little bean things that even Dr. Oz told me are so pumped full of fibre-y goodness. I thought what the heck, lets add these puppies for variation and a little healthy boost in our diet. I cooked them up and just before adding them to the main dish, I hopped online for a last minute Google search on Lentils.

Well, as I very well knew, I read that Lentils are a legume. For those of you not familiar, legumes are things like chick peas, beans, soybeans, etc and surprise surprise, they share a commonality with peanuts. I had heard this before, and this is what prompted my last minute Google search.

What I learned was that legumes share a protein that is similar to the protein found in peanuts. There is a 5% chance that a person allergic to peanuts will have a reaction to a legume. Well, that was it for me, the way our luck is with food allergens, we were not going to temp fate. I would wait until after the allergist appointment in March before testing theories.

I packed up the lentils in a Tupperware to take for my lunch the next day and enjoyed our chicken and pasta with spaghetti sauce and a new veggie, bean sprouts. Ryder had about 3 of them, and seemed to like them, which was a pleasant surprise.

About half way through dinner he started his usual routine of scratching his neck, pulling at his bib, whining, not sitting and refusing to eat. When I had had enough, I went to take his bib off and that's when I saw it. A hive. Instantly I grabbed Ryder out of the chair and started wiping him down with a cloth, and called for my brother to come and take him downstairs so I could air out the kitchen and clean up the contaminants. I tossed the lentils, container and all (plastic recycling does not count when your child's health is at risk), and decided that all legumes were out until further notice.

After Ryder went to bed, I got online and emailed daycare to advise them about the reaction Ryder had, as I know they often put uncooked lentils in their sensory bins. When I wrote that I wanted all legumes added to Ryder's list of allergies I realised I didn't know what all counted as a legume, so of course, I went to Google.

The list of legumes I found shocked me. Every type of bean was listed,from green beans to black turtle beans, locust bean, Guar, Carob,Soy bean as were peas, chickpeas and about 20 + names I didn't even recognise. What did stick out was Bean Sprouts- I had just fed Ryder bean sprouts and didn't even realise it was on the list! All my double checking, preparation, research and reading lists and I still managed to feed my severely allergic to everything son a Legume!!

The stress hit me, yet again. I just caused my son to have another allergic reaction, which starts off with itchy hives, and is followed by a severe flare up of eczema, and a stomach ache, cramps and diarrhea, which results in a night of crying and unnecessary pain. I also now have a list of 30 items or more, to add to the already ginormous list of preservatives I need to learn about and eliminate from Ryder's diet!

I went to bed feeling hopeless and depressed, and the next few days, and the following week were not any easier, which brings us to the present day. After spending last week going through the cupboards, yet again, reading label after label, and tossing box after box of crackers, and other snacks, I began to go through the fridge and freezer.Within a minute I eliminated bread (the only kind I had ever found that was safe for Ryder to eat), Jam, Cinnamon spread, and butter. What I had realised is that these foods had either preservatives, soy or both. Because Ryder had never had a true allergic reaction to these things, I had never eliminated them, and focused on the more serious triggers. Now that I have eliminated the serious triggers, it was time to get down to eliminating my babies constant eczema flare ups, stomach aches and sleep problems. This meant cleaning house and finding new foods, SOY, ADDITIVE and PRESERVATIVE FREE!

Well, I am apparently a slow learner because after my great proclamation of healthy eating, I sent Ryder to daycare where he ate his Life Brand cereal and had a reaction. I stopped at the store on my way to work the following day to read the ingredients, and Life Brand cereal is chocked full of, you guessed it, preservatives. I guess I fell for those marketing ploys, where the kids are sitting down for a hearty breakfast of good for you cereal, while the good meaning stay at home mom is in the background, packing their lunches with yet, more processed hearty goodness, smiling! Knowing my stupidity, I decided to stop by Sobey's after work that night and I read the label of every single box of cereal Ryder had, or could ever have eaten. This included the poster cereal for babies, Cheerios. And what do ya know, SOY, ADDITIVES and PRESERVATIVES on every single box!

Now, I know you may think I am naive for believing that food in a box, living on a shelf wouldn't need to have preservatives. But I like to think that there are people out there, like out good friends at General Mills, who promote good health for our most precious possessions, and who had found a way to keep a portion of the "bad stuff" out of their products. What I continue to learn is that what the Government and food agencies consider "healthy" or "safe" and what I consider healthy and safe are two very different things.

My new friends at Kashi, however, do sell a very yummy product called Organic Cinnamon Harvest, that Ryder now adores! It has 6g of fibre, which isn't helping the excitement of a new food right now:), and has only 3 ingredients: Wheat, evaporated can juice (form of liquid sugar), and Cinnamon! And to top it off, there are no nuts, or dairy or eggs present in this box, and as long as their packaging doesn't lie, this box of cereal is processed in a Allergen Free Zone!!! Now these are the kind of people whose commercials I will believe.

So I may be a little short on the learning curve, but I mean well. I should give myself a break because I am struggling to provide food for a child who can have next to nothing without me learning to make it from scratch, which for those of you who know me would agree, that cooking was never a strong quality for me. I am also a single mom, trying endlessly to balance work, with shopping for a list of groceries I have never heard of, in stores that Ryder cannot go into, and creating meals from unknown sources,researching hours a day for possible allergens, and ingredients to replace them and spending every waking second (that includes endless hours in the middle of the night) taking care of a child who does nothing but scratch and cry because something I am feeding him is still making him sick! And to top it all off, I am now forced to fight for what Ryder is owed, and deserves, because someone who is supposed to love him, will not make sure that everything in his power is being done to make sure that this amazing child has every opportunity to thrive, and the best chance at a normal life.

But I will move forward, because I have to, and I want to, for Ryder. As I put the lil man to bed tonight, he asked me to sing him a song. The one I sing to him every night before bed, and anytime he wakes in the middle of the night- The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow. I sing it because the few words to the chorus that I know inspire a positive attitude, and I want to inspire that in him. Tonight I cried while I sang it, because it had just been one of those days (to come in a future blog), and the thought of looking for a brighter tomorrow seemed like such a struggle. To make it through another day like today, like any other day, just seems to difficult to imagine. But I have to remember that I have had worse days, and there are always people out there suffering with more difficult struggles, and that in comparison, this is just another speed bump along the road to a wonderful, long life full of love and accomplishments.

My next Challenge - Home Made Bread. Sounds good in theory, but throw in a ton of allergies and a clueless baker, and you have an interesting situation.For my usual guinea pigs of all things "safe for Ryder" I thank you in advance (Uncle Rat:)

Life is full of soy many surprises.

For those of you keeping tabs, the past few weeks have been full of not so exciting adventures, and I am here to say that they are not over yet. Last week, after attempting an elimination diet of freezies, and realising their effects, I started to do more research into just what these preservatives and dyes were, and what other products contained them. Along the way I remembered I had picked up some pamphlets at the allergist's office last year when we first found out about how serious Ryder's allergies were(can you believe it's only been a year),so I dug them out and started to leaf through them. I had never looked to closely at the list of soy products and different names for them because in comparison to Ryder's other allergies and their severity's, his Soy Intolerance really wasn't at the top of the priority list.

I went through the list of different names for soy and then started to type them into google to learn what exactly each of the names meant.Did you know that when a package lists Vegetable protein among it's ingredients it is actually a concentration of soy?

The more I typed, the more links I found, and that is when I accidental stumbled upon the title of Soy Lecithin. The name was familiar, but it was not listed anywhere on the Soy pamphlet handed out by the Government of Canada that all of us, as parents of children with severe allergies, rely on as a very strong resource.Reading the first paragraph my heart sank. Soy lecithin is crushed soy beans mixed with egg. Right there I realised the mistake I had been making for far to long-Ryder has a severe egg allergy, and he reacts to someone simply breathing on him after eating eggs.

Tears filled my eyes as I quickly ran to the cupboards and pulled everything off of the shelves. And with the knot tightening in my stomach I began reading the labels of the chosen processed foods I had found that I deemed "safe" for Ryder to eat. I even called up my mom who has a stock of all of Ryder's favorite snacks and cereals at her house, and had her read me the labels of the boxes I had thrown away. Luckily Cheerios (his favorite breakfast cereal) did not contain any soy, nor did the other cereals I have in the hopes that Ryder will some day branch out and try other kinds of food for breakfast. The Mr.Christie animal crackers, however, did contain soy lecithin, as did his new favorite movie night treat, licorice.

I don't know if it was relief or sadness that I felt more of that night. Yes, to most people it is just one unknown ingredient on a list of many unknown ingredients, but to me, it was one more danger, one more risk to Ryder's health, one more unknown ingredient that I would, undoubtedly spend hours researching, and in the end come to the same conclusion that I always do: the only way to be safe, and to ensure Ryder's life is not at risk, is to cut ALL processed food from his diet.

After going through the rest of the pamphlets for the top 9 allergens from the Government of Canada, I did find that Lecithin was listed under other names for eggs. I guess, as a parent of a child with life threatening food allergies, I should have connected the two. These are the moments in my life when I feel completely overwhelmed by Ryder's condition, and how his life is at risk every single day, simply by the foods that I choose to bring into my house. To alot of people, they hear the description of food allergies and think, well it just means he can't eat this or that. But it is the knowledge that if these same people do not attempt to learn or accept what true food allergies are, but are asked to interact with Ryder, his life will be in jeopardy.

What I also fear is the day that I will face ridicule and judgement. From those who think that I am just trying to get special attention for my son, and those who feel that I am making life unfair for their children by having so many diet restrictions in school or at a birthday party. The day will come, as it does for every parent of children with severe food allergies, and all I can do is pray for the strength to stand up for what is right, and for the patience to educate the people around Ryder and I. It is the only way I can give Ryder the "normal" life he is entitled to. I hope that slowly we can teach the rest of the world that we cannot thrive on ignorance, but that the more knowledge we have to pass on to our children about food allergies, as with any other disease or condition, the better we can learn to facilitate children with special needs without seperating them from the "norm" or labelling them as "outcasts".

The unknown world of Preservatives

So I had mentioned delving into the world of additives and preservatives a few weeks ago, which started in hopes that some miracle would happen and I would find whatever it is that is still triggering Ryder's Eczema. I am 99% confident that it is something he is ingesting, not only because my house has NOTHING in it that could create a reaction in my opinion, but other mom's I have talked to with similar issues, and magazine and online articles I have read, all suggest that food allergies play a huge role in flare ups of Eczema. Considering Ryder has reactions to every allergen category,with the exception of sesame seeds (Stay tuned to my blog for a new post updating the newest allergies to make their presence known), how can I not think that food has something to do with it. However, my adventures into the unknown world of processed food have shown me things I would never have expected, brought about a small amount of fear, but instilled in me the confidence to continue in my quest to be as "natural" as possible. Not only for Ryder's allergies, but for the future health of my entire family.

The first food to go was freezies. True, this is not a food by any scientific description, but it is the perfect little treat to keep my little man from scratching his skin open after bath while I cover him in his ritual creams twice a day. After making our own banana freezie pops in dental cups with Popsicle sticks,and explaining more than once why we cannot have our daily dose of blue and red sugar, we went an entire 24 hour period and I immediately noticed a difference.The constant red, swollen rash on his belly was significantly decreased! So with my trusty notebook in one hand, and the giant box of freezies in the other, off to my best friend, the Internet, I went.

Typing in the ingredients from the box was scary. You know how they say you shouldn't eat anything your 3 year old cant pronounce? What if the word is to difficult for the parent? Should I have even let this product into the house?

Tartrazine was the first ingredient I looked up, as I had seen it on many labels, and more then a few of the things I allowed Ryder to eat. Tartrazine is simply a Yellow Dye which is also called lemon yellow azodye E102, FD&C Yellow 5 or C.I 19140. My first thought, am I choosing paint for the kitchen or food to help nurture my child's mind and body? Next were Titanium Dioxide, Allurea Red, and Brilliant Blue, all of which are just different coloured dyes, with many different names. What scared me more then the chemical names these "food" ingredients seem to share are the possible side effects that they carry with them and the other "products" they are used for. For example, Titanium Dioxide. When used as a pigment it is called titanium white. It is used in paint, sun screen,plastics, paper, inks, medicine,as coatings and thickeners as well as an ingredient in most toothpastes.It has also been classified by the International Agency for Research on Cancer as a possible carcinogen to humans. True, the research suggests that a person must be exposed to high levels of Titanium Dioxide to be considered a danger, but this is just an example of the chemicals that we are putting into our bodies without even knowing the possible long term side effects. I know that I am thinking twice before feeding Ryder a snack that is made up of the same ingredients that we use in plastic and paint.

Next on my list, and worth an honourable mention, was Sodium Benzoate. If you are a label reader, like me, you have probably seen this word many times. And like me, you have probably just passed it off as if it had said sugar-you know its not good for you, but you will over look it because whatever the processed "food" is that you are about to eat is tasty. Well, you may want to re think that. Sodium Benzoate is a type of salt that may occur naturally in some foods but is also chemically produced and used as a preservative in many foods,mostly those with a high acid content such as soft drinks, vinegar and fruit juice, because it will only work when the pH Balance of food is less then 3.6. Sodium Benzoate is also known for its ability to kill bacteria, such as yeast and fungi, which is why so many of our processed food friends will have this on their ingredient list. What is not mentioned along with the ingredient list is that the combination of Sodium Benzoate and ascorbic acid or vitamin c can potentially form a carcinogen known as Chemical Benzene. It is said that separately, the two are not carcinogenic, but scientists have called for the US Drug Administration to retest the potential dangers of Sodium Benzoate and Citric Acid in soft drinks because the current test results are very old.

So the next time you are chugging down your favourite soft drink for the 3rd time that week, or feeding your kids those ever so popular freezies, think about whether the convenience is worth the possible long term risks. Sure, I am not going to be boycotting all of my favourites. For anyone who knows me,knows I just can't pass by a Mc-y D's without craving my favourite cheese burger.But every time I give into my cravings, or give into the convenience of quick and easy, I think about the number of people I know who are affected by cancer, and the growing number of people that are affected by so many diseases that were not prevalent 50 years ago, and I have to wonder if what we are eating has more to do with it then most of us are willing to accept.

Let them see you cry.

It has been 2 weeks since I have blogged, and I will admit that during those two weeks, the thought of writing anything down about the craziness I was going through caused me more anxiety then it did peace. But, the start of a new week is about to begin, and I feel I now have the ability, and the brain cells, to get something written.

When I last posted, Ryder had developed a strange rash on his forehead. That night, Ryder's ongoing fever spiked over 102 and with Tylenol and Advil, I could not get it down. I laid with him until the early am, so I could monitor his temperature and his blistering forehead, and at 6:30am we were on our way to the Emergency Room. Of course it was a day I was working so I called in sick,again, but I am glad that we went. After only a few hours spent between the waiting room, and a cozy corner in fast track, the doctor confirmed my suspicions that Ryder's ear infection had not cleared, and he also had one very large skin infection. I filled the prescription for, Cephzil, and happily had a nap with Ryder, for the first time since he was a newborn.

When we woke I realised that Ryder's skin infection had actually worsened. I managed to get 2 doses of Cephzil into him the first day, and started using the Antibiotic cream I already had at home, Fucidin, 3 times a day as well. Ryder has a nasty habit of scratching himself until he is oozing or bloody. His dermatologist prescribed an antibiotic for the little nicks (or large gashes depending on the day) to prevent infection from spreading. I guess the infection in his forehead gained momentum because of the infection already being fought in his body, and before I knew it, I had one sick little munchkin.

Monday came too fast, and I was off to work. Luckily my mom was watching Ryder for me, so he could stay in his own house, in his Jammie's all day, and someone I trusted would take good care of him. I was totally run down, and my back and neck were aching and I just wanted to sleep. My throat started to get a little sore and I just thought, just what I need, the flu. Little did I know that I would wake up in the middle of the night with cold sweats, shaking with a fever, and a super sore throat. By morning I had decided that, because I could not swallow, and the pain was not going away with any over the counter pain killers,I had strep throat, and I was calling in sick, taking Ryder to daycare and heading to the doctors. Luckily, Ryder was feeling much better, with the exception of his forehead having open sores, so I was not to worried about him at school. So I drove myself all the way out to my new doctor in Lakefield, who took a good look at me and told me I had a virus. So off I went, dragging my butt and dreading what waited for me at home-a disaster of a house, and a night time ritual for a very high maintenance two year old, and a night of constant waking, scratching, and screaming.

By the next morning I actually had tears in my eyes when I tried to swallow anything, and upon closer inspection, and with the assistance of my brothers trusty Mag-Light, I saw what I can only describe as a germ infested war zone happening right there in the back of my very own throat. Virus my ass! So I repeated the previous morning,although with a lot less energy and patience, and waited for my second appointment with the doctor. By the time my 1pm appointment rolled around, my fever had spiked, I was shaking and in a great deal of discomfort. When I say discomfort, I was actually starting to compare my pain to childbirth. Yes, a very dramatic comparison, I know. But as I stood there outside of Shoppers Drug Mart, prescription in hand, shaking with a fever, spitting because it hurt to bad to swallow, crying because I had locked my keys in the car, my only thought was that if I didn't feel better soon, I wanted to be put out of my misery.

The fear of what "could have" happened

So I have been doing research since I got home from work, because Ryder is still not himself. Since having a double ear infection over christmas he has been sick with colds, which finally cleared, but he developed an extremely strange rash on his forhead Friday morning after a play date. It is swollen, oozing, and could just be eczema, I thought maybe he reacted to the smell of the laundry soap from our visitors clothes or the dog hair they may have tracked in with them. Of course I work straight though until Thursday so unless I call in sick, again, I cant get him seen. He is moody, cranky, constanly scratching even though he shouldnt be itchy, cries for no reason for long periods of time, wants to cuddle all the time, and has had a fever on and off for 2 weeks.

During my research, and previously in an article I read last night, I have become aware that children who have asthma or other breathing issues should not have the MMR vaccine.I read at another source that if you are taking any immune suppressing drugs, such as a steroid like flovent that Ryder takes twice a day, you shouldnt have the vaccination. I then read in yet another article that if you have an egg allergy, and Ryder's egg allergy is extremely severe, I beleive it to be airborne, you should not have the vaccination. Well, Ryder had the shot when he turned 12 months, and he had a horrific reaction- Crying, rash, diarrea,fever for over a month!I have not given him a single immunizaton since that day, and realising the severe life threatening reaction he could have to eggs, I am so thankful I havent. But even without the egg allergy, Ryder's doctors were well aware of his asthma, and the fact that he is on flovent 2 x a day, and yet they still gave him the vaccination, even with all of my questions and concerns about his allergies. I was asking questions, but I guess just not the right ones.
When I took Ryder to sick kids in the fall, the doctor there was pleasant, asked me alot about him, and answered my questions. When he heard I hadnt given him the H1N1 vaccine he asked why. I explained about the egg allergy and that my dad ate eggs, then half an hour later kissed Ryder's neck, and he was covered in hives and screaming within 5 minutes. The doctor continued to tell me all of the advantages of the vaccine, and that Ryder should still have it. Thinking back now about his insistence, and the other doctors I have dealt with and their insistance to vaccinate when Ryder has such severe, life threatening allergies, I am confident it is all about money. Why else wouldnt they take his life more seriously? I know that doctors get paid by prescription by the pharmacutical companies, and I know that, even though Ryder has no symptoms of asthma, and I have never really seen any, they insist he stays on these expensive, inhaled steroids!
I am furious! I am disappointed, and saddened that I can't trust any doctor I know. The ones who know how sick Ryder is, and could become, are the ones risking his life to make a buck. I knew it happened, but didnt realise it was happening to me. I am tearful and scared about what could have happened before I knew what questions to ask. I could have killed my son because I didnt know better, and the doctors who should, or do, would have let me.

The frustrations of selfishness

Today I am up before Ryder, which is a feat in and of itself. Of course I can't get back to sleep because my brain has not been able to shut itself off in weeks. I am getting less sleep because Ryder has been up more, and has been sick so he has been much more work in the day, which, as any parent can tell you, depletes your patients very quickly. This has been going on for weeks, so lets say the glass is defineltey looking half empty about now.

I am feeling extremely overwhelmed, and anxious, and all of the unpleasant symptoms that come along with that, which in my case is severe headaches, neck pain and most of the symptoms you associate with the flu. Not only am I struggling just to keep it together running on fumes, but I have the daily stress of wondering how I am going to pay the bills, the morgage, the food Ryder needs for the next few years until he is healthy enough that I can work full time. I also have the upcoming blood tests I have to schedule and pay for, for Ryder, plus trying to find the time to fill out all of the paper work to file for special funding for him so he can have a worker with him at school, and get him back to sick kids, and studying for the course I am supposed to be preparing for so I can get a better job,and researching and changing Ryder's diet to Gluten free so I can try to eliminate whatever this last eczema trigger is. On top of all of this, I am still dealing with Ryder's dad, who has not given a cent of child support, or any monetary help for creams, oils ect, in over 6 months, but he told my mother yesterday that he was going out to look at a house! A house! I cannot afford the one his child lives in because of our unique situation, yet he can buy/rent a house, with downpayments, heat and hydro, plus everything else that goes along with a house, while I don't even know where Ryder's meals will come from next week!

I didn't want to let this peice of news bother me, because nothing this man does surprises me anymore, but having been through the past few weeks that I have, my anxiety level is already almost clearing the roof.I am frustrated at the immense amount of selfishness I am forced to deal with, and being an impatient person, I am finding it difficult to not say anything. In my mind, this type of behaviour deserves some attention, but I know that as soon as I get involved, I will just add to my daily stress. So instead, I am forcing myself to let it be, and allowing it,subconciously, to brew inside my head, making me fell sick, stressed and basically helpless in a situation that I have absolutely no control over.

Why Jack Frost is not so friendly.

I have found myself, once again, drawn to my computer to write. It could be that I am actually beginning to find comfort in sharing my struggles, or maybe just getting it out helps me get back up on my feet and continue on. Either way, I jumped at the chance as soon as I put Ryder down for a nap. Not that he is sleeping, he is tearing his skin apart as we speak, but there isnt a thing I can do for him right now, that I haven't already done today, and I have already lost any patience I had so being in the same room, or even listening to the sounds he makes while he scratches, just makes me angry. Angry at him, even though this is not his fault, angry that I am the one dealing with this, and dealing with it alone. Angry that no matter what I do, no matter what I try, or change, or research I can't make it better, I can't make it go away, I can't help him at all. I can only watch him suffer and pray that we will make it and that this will all be a distant memory soon.But until then, I still find myself on my knees crying, or curled up in the fetal position wishing someone was here to do this for me, wondering why I can't find away to end this suffering now. I know that everyone says that God will not give you more then you can handle, but I am left wondering how much more is that?

So instead of listening to Ryder, I have turned on my new theme song- Stand- by Rascall Flatts. I've always found their songs healing and extremely relatable. I turned this one on the other day, by accident, and I realised how much I can relate to it. It brings tears to my eyes, but it brings me hope, and the understanding that I can't be the only one who has to deal with difficult challeneges.

I was discussing it yesterday, but I cannot decide what I hate more, the summer or the winter. Both bring with them major challenges for someone with eczema, and the people who have to care for them. Winter is dry, and the colder the air gets, the drier the air which means the drier Ryder's skin is. And I am not talking dry to the touch, I mean flaking off like a snake, like when you have a sunburn and you start to peel. Except his skin underneath is dry as well, and it is also covered in the red rash of his eczema. Summer brings to much humidity, heat and therefore, sweating. This doesn't seem to help to take away the dry skin that Ryder has, but it does bring out more of the red rash of the eczema and it increases the itchiness and the scratching. Plus there is the issue of shorts and t-shirts. Having skin showing on Ryder is like an invitation for the outside elements he is allergic to in the environment, and even the grass to tickle his legs and make him itchy. It is also an easy way for Ryder to access his skin, and therefore, do more harm to it then if he was covered from head to toe. I can't even take him swimming because the chlorine will dry his skin out and burn his rash, or a mini pool because plain water will also just dry out his skin. But, putting him in pants in the summer causes him to sweat more, get more of a red rash and scratch that much more. Add his seasonal allergies to this, and the summer is just a much of a challenge as the winter.

But today, I will be mad at winter. Ryder stayed at Gram's last night, so that I could have a solid night sleep, and I did. A solid 7 1/2 hrs and I woke up in a pretty good mood. I went into Ryder's room to lift the blinds, and I was not happy to find that his windows were covered in Mold! Less then a year ago we had had to close off Ryders room entirely from the rest of the house because there was mold in the wall around his window, and everything was tore out and replaced. So I was not impressed to see Mold in his room again. Not only can this be dangerous to anyone's health, but it can complicate his asthma, as well as be one of the triggers to his eczema. So instead of relaxing I was scrubbing windows. Ryder arrived home about 11, and I have spent basically every minute since then putting cream or vaseline on him, or rubbing his skin to exfoliate off the dead skin. If am not touching him, he is scratching. The air is alot drier at Gram's house, even with the 2 humidifyers running all of the time, and the water there is not the same as here, so I think that must have played a role. I hate this cold, dry weather, as it has now rendered me helpless in keeping up with the Eczema, and for now, without any opportunity to have some relief, because if I want to keep Ryder's skin in the best possible shape, I won't be able to send him to Gram's for a while.

With everything going on, and Ryder having some issues the past few months with his health, I have had to miss work 3 times already, and my fear is that it is only January, and there are many more bugs to go around before spring, and that I may be jeoparizing my job, my only source of any income that I have. I am forced to try to support Ryder and I and all of his health and medical needs while loosing hours. I am exhausted, loosing patience, and now have to deal with lawyers and documents and paperwork and receipts, just to provide food and shelter for Ryder, which he should be entitled to in the first place. Today is one of those days where I just want to shout to the world that "this isnt fair"!Why do the people who get up and walk away get to live a minimully stress free life, knowing someone is taking care of everything they left behind, while I have to add all of this stress, and hurt, and responsibility to my, already, overflowing plate that I call my life?

The hardest thing about being a single mom.

I think that the hardest part of being a single mom is that you are alone. Yes, I have amazing friends for support and questions,and even more amazing parents who do everything in their power to help me. But at the end of the day, after Ryder is in bed, I stand alone in a messy house,with dishes to do,clothes to wash,and a screaming two yr old to care for all night long because of his health issues,and I feel truly alone. Some families have different arrangements, and the other parent is still very involved in the child's life. Others, not as much,but live close by incase of emergency or need. I,however,am again, very much alone in this way. It is just me, the sole provider,in more ways then one. I have learned quickly to accept this, and I am not overly upset,or stressed by this. Until sickness strikes. Yes, my child has issues that keep him up at night, and is a great deal of work to handle during the day. This is a normal part of life to me, so I don't usually feel sorry for myself, at least, not any more. But when a cold strikes, like it has at our house the past few days, I find myself feeling extremely isolated, alone and stressed out. Ryder's dad is not involved in his daily life at all, except for his daily phone calls he makes in the middle of dinner every evening. He asks Ryder how his day was, what he ate,where he went. When I explain of sickness,or concerns about childcare,or anything that steers away from his 2 yr old conversation, I am ignored. As with any child with asthma, a cold can mean a few complications and some added worry. Also with Ryder his eczema poses a concern. Add a fever to the mix and the poor kid has been bright red, breathing with difficulty, plus all of the regular stuff associated with a cold. It took 3 days of high fever, a bottle of tylenol, a trip to the doctors, and 3 phone calls for Ryder's dad to begin to show his concern. A wise person told me that it is not because Ryder's dad doesn't care, but because he knows I will take care of everything. As a mother I find this difficult to understand, but deep down I know that it is true. But this simple act of, what I see as uncaring, leads me to feel that much more alone in the parenting world. When we started out, it was the two of us,making choices and decisions about Ryder. Then we discovered Ryder had eczema and would take a little more work, including 2 baths a day, alot of research and even more trial and error. After a few months of this, it quickly became apparent that this was only a job for one person, as the second person, the partner I had in parenting, quickly and easily gave over the burden of these things to me. As I went back to work, and Ryder became more of a challenge, with a list of ever changing allergies and issues associated with those allergies,I started to become resentful about having this enormous responsibility, and doing it alone.This was supposed to be a partnership, and I lost my partner. Looking back now, it was a blessing in disguise, as it prepared me to do this alone the day Ryder's dad text me and said it was over. I had a few bad days and then realised that I could do this alone, because I always had. Sure the first few months were awful, not because Ryder's dad wasn't there, but because I now had to figure out a new routine. How to juggle a new job, a new, possibly life threatening, situation for Ryder at daycare, and still get up all night with Ryder, care for all of his issues in the day, and still find time to research possible treatments for him that the doctor's hadnt yet found. I am happy to say, that after a few months, I finally feel like I have accomplished this, but it wasnt without a great deal of help and support, and more then a few phone conversations with a person who always has the right thing to say. So tonight, even though I feel alone, and more then a little frustrated that, even though I am only one half of the partner ship that created this wonderful child in the next room, I am the only one here trying to cope, I can be proud to think that I made it through something most people couldn't have handled as well. So a little cold, no problem-right:)

A night like any other

Tonight, as I sit here updating our life, Ryder is in bed crying, and of course, scratching. A few days ago, his hands were so itchy after nap he used his belt to scratch them. This caused about 6 huge gashes in his left hand, which look like a knife carved a tic tac toe game into his skin. The cuts didnt bleed but were deep enough to need antibiotic cream. They are beginning to heal but still hurt him.

The past few days have been hectic, to say the least. I couldn't go to clean a side job as Ryder's skin was bothering him to much to come with me, so I had to cram it into a day with another job. He has been up the past few nights more then a few times, and has had major issues getting to sleep, which is not common for him. Tuesday night he wasn't asleep until after 9pm,and that was with his medication, a drink of water,ignoring his cries and covering his body in cream 3 x, and he then continued to get up 6 more times throughout the night! I am exhausted, definetley running on fumes, and am listening to what sounds like will be a repeat of the beginning of my week.

His skin was better after spending today with Gram, but when I showed up his face got a little red, so I fear my hair products may be to blame. This is very upsetting, as I just found a new product that tames my hair and I love it, but I will be giving it up for the next week to see how it goes.

I chose not to send Ryder to daycare today, even though he was scheduled to go. There is a flu going around, and with his skin still not under control, I fear a flu would send any progress we have made the past 7 days I have been off, straight back to were we started. He does, however, have to go tommorro, so I am praying for room full of healthy, germ free adults and children!

Finding a balance

Tonight I am wondering what the point of putting a child to bed early is, when they end up scratching and crying past their regular bedtime anyway. Would have waiting that extra 1/2 hour have meant my sanity, or his skin? I am sure that when I finally go in after a half hour of listening to his sheets rustle, which means he is scratching his skin, that he will have rubbed off all of his creams, his face will be horribly torn apart, and he will be no more sleepy, but much more grumpy then when I put him to bed. I just have to remember...this is not his fault, he cannot help how he feels, and he must feel so uncomfortable. And the longer I leave him, the more pain he is in. But how do I find the balance between letting him fall asleep on his own or the destruction of his beautful baby skin??

I am also frustrated tonight because Ryder has been asking for a few days when his daddy will be coming to visit. His curiosity was spiked on the subject when Ryder's aunt,uncle and cousins(on his daddy's side) came for a visit today.This is usually something that Ryder and daddy do together. So tonight when Ryder talked to his dad he asked him when he would be home to c him, more or less in a two yr olds terms. Last friday his dad had said he was coming home next weekend(yesterday and today), and on friday, after I had mentioned something, he told me his plans had changed. Thanks for the notice, by the way. Would this have been mentioned or was this going to be the first no show? Thankfully I have always questioned Ryder's dads ability to keep his promises, and said nothing to Ryder. Tonight his dad had a long pause and then said he was going to "try" to come down next weekend. I quietly took the phone away and asked him not to make promises he cannot commit to. I know, through what I have heard thru the grapevine, that there is a party in kingston next weekend, so his "trying" to come down on the weekend will most likely be based on how hungover he is feeling. Ryder s dad also couldn't commit to the followng weekend, or the one after that,nor could he give any date, so unreliable will remain the title that he holds with me. 3 weeks between visits seem to be the going time frame these days, and no one, including Ryder or his dad, seems to be too upset with it, so I think this is the last time I will worry myself with it as well, because every minute Ryder isn't spending with his dad, is another minute of fun filled learning and adventures I can share with him, the person I love more then anything in this universe.

Someday I hope his dad will wake up and realise what he's given up. And, although I don't think that this will happen, I still take comfort in knowing that Ryder is young enough to not remember what it was like to have a two parent family, and that he already has amazing male role models in his life every day, to teach him everything, including creativity, hard work ethic, kindness, selflessness,and how to always take the high road, because you will always end up on top, no matter how hard it was to get there. Thank you Gramps and Uncle Rat.

More of a bad, then good,day.

Well, even with high hopes for the day, my patience wore thin very quickly, as did Ryder's and we didnt have a great day. It started off on a bad note because Ryder and I are both fighting a cold. He woke at 6:30am so I brought him into my bed for an extra hour or so, and I woke to him kicking me in the back and sides,to the point it hurt. When I asked him to stop he did it more and then cried, and continued to cry, because he realised I was not happy.

But we did start tiny tumblers today, Ryder's second extracuricular group activity! Knowing the smells from other people in an enclosed space could bother him, I decided it was not an option to skip bath this morning to save time, but when I went to run the tub, the water was brown and disgusting. So I lathered him in his 4 different creams, dug to find the most comfortable, 100% cotton clothes, that wouldn't fall off his bum I could find (which is quite a task since most jogging pants are 60% cotton, 40% polyester, which is a nightmare for eczema) and we were off. He scratched most of the way there, and only the distraction of his best friend Ky kept him temporarily busy.

Ryder was nervous at first, and as we did a circle time warm up he clung to me like glue. He finally let me set him down and we began to enjoy the class, which is only a half hour in length anyway, and soon after, the scratching started again. His forehead was flaking off, his cheeks were bright red and looked raw, and, as I realised to late, he started to sweat, which of course if I had of thought in advance I may not have registered him, as sweating gives him eczema!

He had me pull him off to the side twice, both times applying vaseline to seperate areas, hoping it would help us long enough to get through the class. Once they pulled out the ribbons Ryder was well distracted, and then we had banana muffins for snack, which are his new favorite, so there was a short time span of peace!

We had to skip out on tobboganing with friends so we could go to Grams house for a bath,and we had a fight to eat lunch, which he didn't, then we rushed home for nap, because the more tired Ryder is, the more he scratches, which in turn releases histamines, which makes him more itchy, which gives him more eczema............ He had a not so long nap, and when he woke he was grumpy as a bear. When Ryder is grumpy,or angry, aggitated, frustrated, sad or any other emotion out there, his release is to scratch, so imagine the circles we were running in today. We decided after some play to finally eat our lunch(it was 3:30pm by this time) so he could have another banana muffin and go buy a second cool mist humidifyer for the livingroom, with the hope that it will help clear up the eczema on his face.

Our outting took us to walmart, where the cashier commented that he had a rash. When I explained what it was she, like anyone else I talk to it seems, told me she used to have it, not as bad, when she was a kid. She told me about utter cream, the real stuff for cows from the co-op, which is one cream I haven't tried, so I am very interested to see how it works! Our next stop was Home Hardware, and a nice man in the parking lot saw I was struggling to carry the humidifyer box, 2 boxes of filters and a 2 yr old,so he offered to help. He recognised Ryder's eczema right away and was giving me helpful, (although already tried),suggestions, and said he grew out of it aswell. Thank you to this gentleman who helped me, when I didn't think I needed it. Ryder and I talked about you on the way home and how people should always go out of their way to help others when they can.

We stopped at home to grab some things and back over to Grams for tonight's bath, as our water issue is fixed, but will take a few days to be able to bath in. Gram made dinner for us, with only a few moments notice, and we enjoyed the visit, however the scratching continued through dinner, after bath and the entire way home, and as I sit here typing this I can hear Ryder scratching from his bedroom, and occassionally crying. I realise now, as well, that I didn't file his nails, which I do every single night, and I know that the result will be deep scratches, blood and scabs by morning.

I am ending tonight with positive prayers that Ryder will go to sleep soon, and by tommorro his skin will feel relief, and the dizzy spells I seem to be having will have passed!

The first day of the rest of our lives....

So looking back on the little notebook of baby facts that I kept for Ryder, I noticed that I only wrote down the positive! I am proud, thinking back now, that although I was exhausted and worried, I didn't waste my time focusing on the struggles, rather the things that Ryder did that made me smile!

I left my story last when Ryder began to drink cows milk formula. From what I remember, through the sleep deprived, hazy memories, is that we weined him with one bottle of formula a day. It only took about a week to have him fully on Enfamil. I didn't notice him sleeping any differently by this point, nor did I connect the constant waking and fussiness. Looking at it now,knowing what I know,it was probably because he was a newborn, and babies always wake up in the night, and are always fussy, and always cry alot, or so I thought.

From birth, Ryder had red cheeks,and what looked like a bumpy rash on his face. The family doctor told us it was baby acne,but as I did some research, and time went by, I started to doubt it. I remember his cheeks getting more and more red, especially when we were with other people,or he was hot. It was so red it looked like it was raw. I had already thought to change his laundry soap to an unscented, hypo allergenic brand,and tried some different baby soaps in the bath. Ryder also had incredibley dry skin, which peeled off like when you have a sun burn. Again, the doctor said this was normal, and who was I to argue, as I couldnt find an age limit on these things in my research.

January 3rd, Ryder's 2 month check up.Ryder weighed 11 lbs, 16 oz and was 23 inches long. I was proud of how well he was growing, since he was born so little. It was this appointment that the family doctor gave us some cortezone for his face, and we realised that Ryder had eczema. So, in the spirit of research, I hopped online, and ordered some books about children with eczema.

What I found online were horrible, heartwrenching stories and photos of children wrapped head to toe in guaze soaked in special ointment, hospitalised because their eczema was so bad that their eyes would crack and bleed when they blinked. It still brings tears to my eyes as I realise how blessed I am to have a child who,although has experienced a great deal of pain and discomfort, has not had to suffer in that way.

When the books arrived, what I read were first hand experiences, told by children with eczema. They spoke about how they couldn't go to birthday parties, or sleep overs,or play sports or do gym, and how people were scared to touch them, or wouldn't be friends with them because of how their skin looked. The incredible, brave stories told by these children who have suffered with such a painful and difficult condition from birth,were then ridiculed at school for it. It just makes me sad, and angry that we are bringing up our children without teaching them respect or to have the abilities to accept people who are "different", into the "normal" world.

It's always the little things that make it a great day.

Well, today I would classify as a great day. Ryder spent the night at Grams and I picked him up after a cleaning job. We had lunch and while he napped I got a few meals prepared for the week. Having a child with mulitple severe food allergies means that every meal is made from scratch, very few processed things go into his mouth, and it is extremely challenging, especially for someone who was never a good cook, or very creative!
After nap we baked banana muffins, as the ones we made last night he thought were "gross". Then Ryder was content to watch Mickey Mouse while I cleaned up the disaster. At bedtime he lasted about ten min before he started crying for me. As he has been going to sleep better the past month or 2 I went in. He told me he was done his nap:) So we read a couple of books. Franklin is one he got for christmas, and he seems to enjoy learning about the animals in the stories. We happened to be reading about a beaver and a moose, and we have two stuffies of those, so we brought them into bed with us. He named the moose moosey and as I was reading the story I saw that he was looking for something on the stuffy. I asked him what he was looking for and had to ask him to repeat it 4 times before I finally accepted that he was saying that moosey didnt have any balls!!!

Unneccesary Comments

So my plan with this blog is to tell the story of our life so far, however I also want a place to vent my daily frustration. Today Ryder and I went to Sobeys to pick up a few things. In the short amount of time we were there I had three complete strangers ask what was wrong with him. 2 thought he looked hot, as if I wouldnt notice his face, neck, and entire body for that matter, was covered in a red, swollen rash and take off his coat. One thought he was sick. I've also been asked if he is tired,and once I was even asked if he was contagious. The more frequently this happens the more I realise that, no matter how hard I try to make him feel normal, he isn't. Making his own food that is the same as what everyone else has, trying to let him nap in clothes at daycare, keeping his hair short so the vaseline isn't as obvious, non of these things will protect him when he is old enough to understand that people are talking about him, or staring at him, because of how he looks. He has something that the whole world can see, something that sets him apart from everyone else, and people do stare, they do comment, and they are worried its contagious. How will he ever learn to grow up without being self concsious when the entire world points out his differences. He is only 2, and already he has so many things against him. Yes, all are managable at this point, but emotionally, how do I prepare him for the things he will experience from the kids, and even teachers, when he goes to school?

Day One!

Well, this is day one of the new adventure I've decided to take on, and I am not sure where to begin! My goal with this blog is to, not only to write out my thoughts and experiences, but to share my life, the trials my son and I have experienced, the information I have gathered that will hopefully help somebody out there, as well as thank the great people I have met along the way.

It started in March,2007. I found out I was pregnant, and I was terrified! How would I ever be able to take care of a baby! Not only that, but how to go about raising an intelligent, kind, generous child, who can reach any dream, who will be successful, who can touch people in an amazing way. Where would I ever read about this! For anyone who knows me, I read alot,and about everything. Before I make a big decision, ok, even a little one, I research it!

Well, I made it through my pregnancy,which wasn't overly difficult, but I was not a happy pregnant woman, and delivered a gorgeous baby boy October 31, 2007 at 5:43pm. He weighed 6lbs,13 oz, we named him Ryder. He had some circulation problems, his feet wouldn't change from blue to red, so they took him off to the special care nursery. I was so full of drugs the only thing I really remember is laying in the delivery room, with a room full of my friends and their children, all dressed up in costumes. I was staring into space with, what I imagine to be, a ridiculous smile plastered on my face.

Looking back, I don't remember Ryder's dad in the delivery room at all! I know he was there, he and my sister both took the brave role of staying with me through the labour. I remember my sister holding my leg, dropping ice chips into my mouth, counting and coaching, but Ryder's dad I don't think said a word? Looking at him now, it doesnt surprise me, but I've just never thought about it before. But then, I didnt even have the sense to worry that my baby was rushed to the special care nursery, or that I only held him for two minutes,or to even ask a nurse how he was! I guess that is the benefit of the drugs, they don't allow your natural motherly instincts to kick in and send you into a full blown panic. Although, looking back, I am not sure I had those natural instincts everyone told me I would have the minute your baby arrives in the world.

By the time I arrived to my room, Ryder was there, in his tiny bassinet, swaddled up in the traditional hospital blanket with the pink and blue stripes, quietly sleeping away. I made his dad stay the night in those horrible "dad" chairs. You know the ones, they fold out into a too short, totally hard, smaller then a single, bed. I just didn't think I could ever deal with a crying baby all night, alone! But Ryder was the most content, quiet baby those first few nights.We had to wake him to feed him,and that was a challenge in itself! He was so sleepy I had to squeeze his cheeks and try to force him to suck on the bottle nipple!

After two nights in the hospital, which flew by, we were home. I was still taking the pain medication every 4 hours just so I could sit, but I was happy. I remember placing Ryder in the bassinet at the end of my bed, and then thinking, well now what? You watch all the shows on tv, where the couple are bombarded with visitors before they even get in the door,but where were my visitors? My friends and family wanted to give us space, but I didnt know what to do with myself, so I cleaned:) I know, I know, looking back I would kick my own butt and tell me to go have a nap! But the rush of finally having what you have been waiting for for 9 months got to me.

The next few weeks were like those of any new parent. Ryder's dad was laid off at the time, so we were both home. Ryder was a quiet baby, who only cried when he was hungry. I decided to pump breast milk and feed it from a bottle, and after 6 weeks of doing nothing but pumping for an hour, feeding for an hour, half hour sleep then doing it again, I was done. I felt so guilty for not being able to provide my son with "the best", but I couldn't survive mentally or physically, so we switched to cow s milk formula. Little did I know that this was the beginning of my nightmare, and the most difficult journey I would ever take, all based on,at least what I thought at the time was, one tiny decision.