Why Jack Frost is not so friendly.

I have found myself, once again, drawn to my computer to write. It could be that I am actually beginning to find comfort in sharing my struggles, or maybe just getting it out helps me get back up on my feet and continue on. Either way, I jumped at the chance as soon as I put Ryder down for a nap. Not that he is sleeping, he is tearing his skin apart as we speak, but there isnt a thing I can do for him right now, that I haven't already done today, and I have already lost any patience I had so being in the same room, or even listening to the sounds he makes while he scratches, just makes me angry. Angry at him, even though this is not his fault, angry that I am the one dealing with this, and dealing with it alone. Angry that no matter what I do, no matter what I try, or change, or research I can't make it better, I can't make it go away, I can't help him at all. I can only watch him suffer and pray that we will make it and that this will all be a distant memory soon.But until then, I still find myself on my knees crying, or curled up in the fetal position wishing someone was here to do this for me, wondering why I can't find away to end this suffering now. I know that everyone says that God will not give you more then you can handle, but I am left wondering how much more is that?

So instead of listening to Ryder, I have turned on my new theme song- Stand- by Rascall Flatts. I've always found their songs healing and extremely relatable. I turned this one on the other day, by accident, and I realised how much I can relate to it. It brings tears to my eyes, but it brings me hope, and the understanding that I can't be the only one who has to deal with difficult challeneges.

I was discussing it yesterday, but I cannot decide what I hate more, the summer or the winter. Both bring with them major challenges for someone with eczema, and the people who have to care for them. Winter is dry, and the colder the air gets, the drier the air which means the drier Ryder's skin is. And I am not talking dry to the touch, I mean flaking off like a snake, like when you have a sunburn and you start to peel. Except his skin underneath is dry as well, and it is also covered in the red rash of his eczema. Summer brings to much humidity, heat and therefore, sweating. This doesn't seem to help to take away the dry skin that Ryder has, but it does bring out more of the red rash of the eczema and it increases the itchiness and the scratching. Plus there is the issue of shorts and t-shirts. Having skin showing on Ryder is like an invitation for the outside elements he is allergic to in the environment, and even the grass to tickle his legs and make him itchy. It is also an easy way for Ryder to access his skin, and therefore, do more harm to it then if he was covered from head to toe. I can't even take him swimming because the chlorine will dry his skin out and burn his rash, or a mini pool because plain water will also just dry out his skin. But, putting him in pants in the summer causes him to sweat more, get more of a red rash and scratch that much more. Add his seasonal allergies to this, and the summer is just a much of a challenge as the winter.

But today, I will be mad at winter. Ryder stayed at Gram's last night, so that I could have a solid night sleep, and I did. A solid 7 1/2 hrs and I woke up in a pretty good mood. I went into Ryder's room to lift the blinds, and I was not happy to find that his windows were covered in Mold! Less then a year ago we had had to close off Ryders room entirely from the rest of the house because there was mold in the wall around his window, and everything was tore out and replaced. So I was not impressed to see Mold in his room again. Not only can this be dangerous to anyone's health, but it can complicate his asthma, as well as be one of the triggers to his eczema. So instead of relaxing I was scrubbing windows. Ryder arrived home about 11, and I have spent basically every minute since then putting cream or vaseline on him, or rubbing his skin to exfoliate off the dead skin. If am not touching him, he is scratching. The air is alot drier at Gram's house, even with the 2 humidifyers running all of the time, and the water there is not the same as here, so I think that must have played a role. I hate this cold, dry weather, as it has now rendered me helpless in keeping up with the Eczema, and for now, without any opportunity to have some relief, because if I want to keep Ryder's skin in the best possible shape, I won't be able to send him to Gram's for a while.

With everything going on, and Ryder having some issues the past few months with his health, I have had to miss work 3 times already, and my fear is that it is only January, and there are many more bugs to go around before spring, and that I may be jeoparizing my job, my only source of any income that I have. I am forced to try to support Ryder and I and all of his health and medical needs while loosing hours. I am exhausted, loosing patience, and now have to deal with lawyers and documents and paperwork and receipts, just to provide food and shelter for Ryder, which he should be entitled to in the first place. Today is one of those days where I just want to shout to the world that "this isnt fair"!Why do the people who get up and walk away get to live a minimully stress free life, knowing someone is taking care of everything they left behind, while I have to add all of this stress, and hurt, and responsibility to my, already, overflowing plate that I call my life?