Life is full of soy many surprises.

For those of you keeping tabs, the past few weeks have been full of not so exciting adventures, and I am here to say that they are not over yet. Last week, after attempting an elimination diet of freezies, and realising their effects, I started to do more research into just what these preservatives and dyes were, and what other products contained them. Along the way I remembered I had picked up some pamphlets at the allergist's office last year when we first found out about how serious Ryder's allergies were(can you believe it's only been a year),so I dug them out and started to leaf through them. I had never looked to closely at the list of soy products and different names for them because in comparison to Ryder's other allergies and their severity's, his Soy Intolerance really wasn't at the top of the priority list.

I went through the list of different names for soy and then started to type them into google to learn what exactly each of the names meant.Did you know that when a package lists Vegetable protein among it's ingredients it is actually a concentration of soy?

The more I typed, the more links I found, and that is when I accidental stumbled upon the title of Soy Lecithin. The name was familiar, but it was not listed anywhere on the Soy pamphlet handed out by the Government of Canada that all of us, as parents of children with severe allergies, rely on as a very strong resource.Reading the first paragraph my heart sank. Soy lecithin is crushed soy beans mixed with egg. Right there I realised the mistake I had been making for far to long-Ryder has a severe egg allergy, and he reacts to someone simply breathing on him after eating eggs.

Tears filled my eyes as I quickly ran to the cupboards and pulled everything off of the shelves. And with the knot tightening in my stomach I began reading the labels of the chosen processed foods I had found that I deemed "safe" for Ryder to eat. I even called up my mom who has a stock of all of Ryder's favorite snacks and cereals at her house, and had her read me the labels of the boxes I had thrown away. Luckily Cheerios (his favorite breakfast cereal) did not contain any soy, nor did the other cereals I have in the hopes that Ryder will some day branch out and try other kinds of food for breakfast. The Mr.Christie animal crackers, however, did contain soy lecithin, as did his new favorite movie night treat, licorice.

I don't know if it was relief or sadness that I felt more of that night. Yes, to most people it is just one unknown ingredient on a list of many unknown ingredients, but to me, it was one more danger, one more risk to Ryder's health, one more unknown ingredient that I would, undoubtedly spend hours researching, and in the end come to the same conclusion that I always do: the only way to be safe, and to ensure Ryder's life is not at risk, is to cut ALL processed food from his diet.

After going through the rest of the pamphlets for the top 9 allergens from the Government of Canada, I did find that Lecithin was listed under other names for eggs. I guess, as a parent of a child with life threatening food allergies, I should have connected the two. These are the moments in my life when I feel completely overwhelmed by Ryder's condition, and how his life is at risk every single day, simply by the foods that I choose to bring into my house. To alot of people, they hear the description of food allergies and think, well it just means he can't eat this or that. But it is the knowledge that if these same people do not attempt to learn or accept what true food allergies are, but are asked to interact with Ryder, his life will be in jeopardy.

What I also fear is the day that I will face ridicule and judgement. From those who think that I am just trying to get special attention for my son, and those who feel that I am making life unfair for their children by having so many diet restrictions in school or at a birthday party. The day will come, as it does for every parent of children with severe food allergies, and all I can do is pray for the strength to stand up for what is right, and for the patience to educate the people around Ryder and I. It is the only way I can give Ryder the "normal" life he is entitled to. I hope that slowly we can teach the rest of the world that we cannot thrive on ignorance, but that the more knowledge we have to pass on to our children about food allergies, as with any other disease or condition, the better we can learn to facilitate children with special needs without seperating them from the "norm" or labelling them as "outcasts".

The unknown world of Preservatives

So I had mentioned delving into the world of additives and preservatives a few weeks ago, which started in hopes that some miracle would happen and I would find whatever it is that is still triggering Ryder's Eczema. I am 99% confident that it is something he is ingesting, not only because my house has NOTHING in it that could create a reaction in my opinion, but other mom's I have talked to with similar issues, and magazine and online articles I have read, all suggest that food allergies play a huge role in flare ups of Eczema. Considering Ryder has reactions to every allergen category,with the exception of sesame seeds (Stay tuned to my blog for a new post updating the newest allergies to make their presence known), how can I not think that food has something to do with it. However, my adventures into the unknown world of processed food have shown me things I would never have expected, brought about a small amount of fear, but instilled in me the confidence to continue in my quest to be as "natural" as possible. Not only for Ryder's allergies, but for the future health of my entire family.

The first food to go was freezies. True, this is not a food by any scientific description, but it is the perfect little treat to keep my little man from scratching his skin open after bath while I cover him in his ritual creams twice a day. After making our own banana freezie pops in dental cups with Popsicle sticks,and explaining more than once why we cannot have our daily dose of blue and red sugar, we went an entire 24 hour period and I immediately noticed a difference.The constant red, swollen rash on his belly was significantly decreased! So with my trusty notebook in one hand, and the giant box of freezies in the other, off to my best friend, the Internet, I went.

Typing in the ingredients from the box was scary. You know how they say you shouldn't eat anything your 3 year old cant pronounce? What if the word is to difficult for the parent? Should I have even let this product into the house?

Tartrazine was the first ingredient I looked up, as I had seen it on many labels, and more then a few of the things I allowed Ryder to eat. Tartrazine is simply a Yellow Dye which is also called lemon yellow azodye E102, FD&C Yellow 5 or C.I 19140. My first thought, am I choosing paint for the kitchen or food to help nurture my child's mind and body? Next were Titanium Dioxide, Allurea Red, and Brilliant Blue, all of which are just different coloured dyes, with many different names. What scared me more then the chemical names these "food" ingredients seem to share are the possible side effects that they carry with them and the other "products" they are used for. For example, Titanium Dioxide. When used as a pigment it is called titanium white. It is used in paint, sun screen,plastics, paper, inks, medicine,as coatings and thickeners as well as an ingredient in most toothpastes.It has also been classified by the International Agency for Research on Cancer as a possible carcinogen to humans. True, the research suggests that a person must be exposed to high levels of Titanium Dioxide to be considered a danger, but this is just an example of the chemicals that we are putting into our bodies without even knowing the possible long term side effects. I know that I am thinking twice before feeding Ryder a snack that is made up of the same ingredients that we use in plastic and paint.

Next on my list, and worth an honourable mention, was Sodium Benzoate. If you are a label reader, like me, you have probably seen this word many times. And like me, you have probably just passed it off as if it had said sugar-you know its not good for you, but you will over look it because whatever the processed "food" is that you are about to eat is tasty. Well, you may want to re think that. Sodium Benzoate is a type of salt that may occur naturally in some foods but is also chemically produced and used as a preservative in many foods,mostly those with a high acid content such as soft drinks, vinegar and fruit juice, because it will only work when the pH Balance of food is less then 3.6. Sodium Benzoate is also known for its ability to kill bacteria, such as yeast and fungi, which is why so many of our processed food friends will have this on their ingredient list. What is not mentioned along with the ingredient list is that the combination of Sodium Benzoate and ascorbic acid or vitamin c can potentially form a carcinogen known as Chemical Benzene. It is said that separately, the two are not carcinogenic, but scientists have called for the US Drug Administration to retest the potential dangers of Sodium Benzoate and Citric Acid in soft drinks because the current test results are very old.

So the next time you are chugging down your favourite soft drink for the 3rd time that week, or feeding your kids those ever so popular freezies, think about whether the convenience is worth the possible long term risks. Sure, I am not going to be boycotting all of my favourites. For anyone who knows me,knows I just can't pass by a Mc-y D's without craving my favourite cheese burger.But every time I give into my cravings, or give into the convenience of quick and easy, I think about the number of people I know who are affected by cancer, and the growing number of people that are affected by so many diseases that were not prevalent 50 years ago, and I have to wonder if what we are eating has more to do with it then most of us are willing to accept.

Let them see you cry.

It has been 2 weeks since I have blogged, and I will admit that during those two weeks, the thought of writing anything down about the craziness I was going through caused me more anxiety then it did peace. But, the start of a new week is about to begin, and I feel I now have the ability, and the brain cells, to get something written.

When I last posted, Ryder had developed a strange rash on his forehead. That night, Ryder's ongoing fever spiked over 102 and with Tylenol and Advil, I could not get it down. I laid with him until the early am, so I could monitor his temperature and his blistering forehead, and at 6:30am we were on our way to the Emergency Room. Of course it was a day I was working so I called in sick,again, but I am glad that we went. After only a few hours spent between the waiting room, and a cozy corner in fast track, the doctor confirmed my suspicions that Ryder's ear infection had not cleared, and he also had one very large skin infection. I filled the prescription for, Cephzil, and happily had a nap with Ryder, for the first time since he was a newborn.

When we woke I realised that Ryder's skin infection had actually worsened. I managed to get 2 doses of Cephzil into him the first day, and started using the Antibiotic cream I already had at home, Fucidin, 3 times a day as well. Ryder has a nasty habit of scratching himself until he is oozing or bloody. His dermatologist prescribed an antibiotic for the little nicks (or large gashes depending on the day) to prevent infection from spreading. I guess the infection in his forehead gained momentum because of the infection already being fought in his body, and before I knew it, I had one sick little munchkin.

Monday came too fast, and I was off to work. Luckily my mom was watching Ryder for me, so he could stay in his own house, in his Jammie's all day, and someone I trusted would take good care of him. I was totally run down, and my back and neck were aching and I just wanted to sleep. My throat started to get a little sore and I just thought, just what I need, the flu. Little did I know that I would wake up in the middle of the night with cold sweats, shaking with a fever, and a super sore throat. By morning I had decided that, because I could not swallow, and the pain was not going away with any over the counter pain killers,I had strep throat, and I was calling in sick, taking Ryder to daycare and heading to the doctors. Luckily, Ryder was feeling much better, with the exception of his forehead having open sores, so I was not to worried about him at school. So I drove myself all the way out to my new doctor in Lakefield, who took a good look at me and told me I had a virus. So off I went, dragging my butt and dreading what waited for me at home-a disaster of a house, and a night time ritual for a very high maintenance two year old, and a night of constant waking, scratching, and screaming.

By the next morning I actually had tears in my eyes when I tried to swallow anything, and upon closer inspection, and with the assistance of my brothers trusty Mag-Light, I saw what I can only describe as a germ infested war zone happening right there in the back of my very own throat. Virus my ass! So I repeated the previous morning,although with a lot less energy and patience, and waited for my second appointment with the doctor. By the time my 1pm appointment rolled around, my fever had spiked, I was shaking and in a great deal of discomfort. When I say discomfort, I was actually starting to compare my pain to childbirth. Yes, a very dramatic comparison, I know. But as I stood there outside of Shoppers Drug Mart, prescription in hand, shaking with a fever, spitting because it hurt to bad to swallow, crying because I had locked my keys in the car, my only thought was that if I didn't feel better soon, I wanted to be put out of my misery.

The fear of what "could have" happened

So I have been doing research since I got home from work, because Ryder is still not himself. Since having a double ear infection over christmas he has been sick with colds, which finally cleared, but he developed an extremely strange rash on his forhead Friday morning after a play date. It is swollen, oozing, and could just be eczema, I thought maybe he reacted to the smell of the laundry soap from our visitors clothes or the dog hair they may have tracked in with them. Of course I work straight though until Thursday so unless I call in sick, again, I cant get him seen. He is moody, cranky, constanly scratching even though he shouldnt be itchy, cries for no reason for long periods of time, wants to cuddle all the time, and has had a fever on and off for 2 weeks.

During my research, and previously in an article I read last night, I have become aware that children who have asthma or other breathing issues should not have the MMR vaccine.I read at another source that if you are taking any immune suppressing drugs, such as a steroid like flovent that Ryder takes twice a day, you shouldnt have the vaccination. I then read in yet another article that if you have an egg allergy, and Ryder's egg allergy is extremely severe, I beleive it to be airborne, you should not have the vaccination. Well, Ryder had the shot when he turned 12 months, and he had a horrific reaction- Crying, rash, diarrea,fever for over a month!I have not given him a single immunizaton since that day, and realising the severe life threatening reaction he could have to eggs, I am so thankful I havent. But even without the egg allergy, Ryder's doctors were well aware of his asthma, and the fact that he is on flovent 2 x a day, and yet they still gave him the vaccination, even with all of my questions and concerns about his allergies. I was asking questions, but I guess just not the right ones.
When I took Ryder to sick kids in the fall, the doctor there was pleasant, asked me alot about him, and answered my questions. When he heard I hadnt given him the H1N1 vaccine he asked why. I explained about the egg allergy and that my dad ate eggs, then half an hour later kissed Ryder's neck, and he was covered in hives and screaming within 5 minutes. The doctor continued to tell me all of the advantages of the vaccine, and that Ryder should still have it. Thinking back now about his insistence, and the other doctors I have dealt with and their insistance to vaccinate when Ryder has such severe, life threatening allergies, I am confident it is all about money. Why else wouldnt they take his life more seriously? I know that doctors get paid by prescription by the pharmacutical companies, and I know that, even though Ryder has no symptoms of asthma, and I have never really seen any, they insist he stays on these expensive, inhaled steroids!
I am furious! I am disappointed, and saddened that I can't trust any doctor I know. The ones who know how sick Ryder is, and could become, are the ones risking his life to make a buck. I knew it happened, but didnt realise it was happening to me. I am tearful and scared about what could have happened before I knew what questions to ask. I could have killed my son because I didnt know better, and the doctors who should, or do, would have let me.

The frustrations of selfishness

Today I am up before Ryder, which is a feat in and of itself. Of course I can't get back to sleep because my brain has not been able to shut itself off in weeks. I am getting less sleep because Ryder has been up more, and has been sick so he has been much more work in the day, which, as any parent can tell you, depletes your patients very quickly. This has been going on for weeks, so lets say the glass is defineltey looking half empty about now.

I am feeling extremely overwhelmed, and anxious, and all of the unpleasant symptoms that come along with that, which in my case is severe headaches, neck pain and most of the symptoms you associate with the flu. Not only am I struggling just to keep it together running on fumes, but I have the daily stress of wondering how I am going to pay the bills, the morgage, the food Ryder needs for the next few years until he is healthy enough that I can work full time. I also have the upcoming blood tests I have to schedule and pay for, for Ryder, plus trying to find the time to fill out all of the paper work to file for special funding for him so he can have a worker with him at school, and get him back to sick kids, and studying for the course I am supposed to be preparing for so I can get a better job,and researching and changing Ryder's diet to Gluten free so I can try to eliminate whatever this last eczema trigger is. On top of all of this, I am still dealing with Ryder's dad, who has not given a cent of child support, or any monetary help for creams, oils ect, in over 6 months, but he told my mother yesterday that he was going out to look at a house! A house! I cannot afford the one his child lives in because of our unique situation, yet he can buy/rent a house, with downpayments, heat and hydro, plus everything else that goes along with a house, while I don't even know where Ryder's meals will come from next week!

I didn't want to let this peice of news bother me, because nothing this man does surprises me anymore, but having been through the past few weeks that I have, my anxiety level is already almost clearing the roof.I am frustrated at the immense amount of selfishness I am forced to deal with, and being an impatient person, I am finding it difficult to not say anything. In my mind, this type of behaviour deserves some attention, but I know that as soon as I get involved, I will just add to my daily stress. So instead, I am forcing myself to let it be, and allowing it,subconciously, to brew inside my head, making me fell sick, stressed and basically helpless in a situation that I have absolutely no control over.